Building Your Confidence: A Journey, Not a Destination
Self-confidence is a term commonly used and mentioned as if it were a destination. However, for many people, the journey towards self-confidence feels like chasing a wisp of smoke. The internet contains articles with tips on building self-confidence, including suggestions like "fake it till you make it" or "make a list of your achievements." These are helpful starting places, but they are simplistic and shallow concepts. True self-confidence is deeper and defined by a sense of self-worth that encourages healthy risk-taking and adventure and can withstand temporary setbacks.
Therapists commonly meet clients who are struggling with self-doubt and lack self-confidence. Often, these clients seek a quick fix, wanting a magic bullet to banish their insecurities. As a therapist and healer, I have realized that self-confidence is not a destination but a journey toward self-discovery paved with self-compassion, courage, and a willingness to learn from past experiences.
Here are some insights to take with you as companions on your confidence-building adventure:
Befriend Your Inner Critic: Everyone has an inner voice that sometimes whispers (or shouts!) negativity, inviting doubt and undermining self-confidence. No matter how unpleasant your inner critic might sound, please do your best to listen to what it says so you can learn and understand where this negative voice originates. Whose voice is speaking to you? Does the voice belong to someone from your past, or is it your voice? Is this voice trying to protect you from something or keep you from accomplishing something? The inner voice could communicate a fear of failure or bring a deep-seated belief in inadequacy to light. Acknowledging these thoughts and anxieties can help you challenge and meet them with kindness and reason instead of fear.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: Our culture celebrates flawlessness, an impossible standard, and leads to frustration and disappointment. People who are not perfect (everyone) often compare themselves to others; they think others have "perfect lives" and therefore feel inferior.
Instead of chasing perfection, celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Did you finally conquer that fear of speaking in public and presenting in front of a small group? Did you stick to your healthy eating plan for a week? Did you do your best? Recognize these achievements – and give yourself credit for your effort. These achievements are stepping stones on your path to gaining more Confidence. Credit yourself for all you have accomplished, even if you did not do anything you think is particularly impressive. Did you get out of bed this morning? Did you brush your teeth? Did you attempt to learn something? Realize you are here reading this blog, which is something to acknowledge. Don't overlook the small things. You are doing great.
Embrace Vulnerability: Vulnerability is often associated with weakness. However, vulnerability is a strength. Sharing personal struggles and imperfections fosters deeper connections and a sense of belonging. When people open up and embrace vulnerability, they often discover they are not alone with their insecurities. Safe vulnerability can be incredibly empowering. No matter how confident someone is, remember, at times, everyone struggles with self-doubt. You are not alone!
Get Inspired: Have you ever met someone who radiated authenticity? Or watched a TV show and thought, "I love how free and comfortable someone looks in their skin?" Instead of viewing others as a threat or competition, get inspired by those who embody and radiate Confidence. Observing how confident people interact with others and in the world will help you learn tips and tricks to emulate. Incorporating those learned behaviors in your daily life will lead you toward greater self-confidence. Instead of comparing yourself to others, allow others to inspire and motivate you!
Move Through The Discomfort: People often tell me that they freeze up when they want to share something with someone (perhaps a romantic interest or a new friend). They describe their words getting stuck in their throat, and they "clam up." Despite feeling nervous, doing your best to speak your truth and say what is on your mind (whatever that may be) will help build Confidence! Clear communication is empowering and helps energy move and flow. "Biting your tongue" means staying quiet and meek, with your words trapped inside yourself, which increases feelings of shame and regret and leads to feeling shut down or frozen. It doesn't matter if your words are perfect as long as they are kind; learn to laugh at yourself and be proud of yourself for getting your words out. Speaking up builds Confidence and changes lives.
Celebrate Your Uniqueness: Comparison is the thief of joy. Confidence does not come from comparing yourself to others. Recognizing and appreciating your unique talents, quirks, and experiences increases Confidence. Ask yourself, what makes you unique and special? What are you passionate about? Lean into these qualities and let them shine through—list and journal about these questions. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself!
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and acknowledge your efforts to improve. Having compassion for yourself strengthens your core foundation and leads to true and lasting Confidence.
Increasing your self-confidence is best viewed as a journey; there will be bumps along the way. With these tools and a little self-compassion, you can learn to navigate life's challenges with grace and strength. Remember, you are capable of more than you know. You are worthy and deserve to feel confident in your skin.
