Understanding Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term people commonly use to describe the behavior of others. Despite how common this word has become in popular culture, it is not a concept to take lightly or aimlessly throw around. As a therapist and healer, I see the damaging impact of real gaslighting firsthand. In this blog, I'll unpack what gaslighting is, explore why people might do it (both to ourselves and others), and share tools with you to identify and handle gaslighting and manipulative behaviors.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that chips away at a person's sense of reality. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation specifically used to make people question their memories, perceptions, and, ultimately, their sanity.

The term Gaslighting comes from the title of a 1944 movie called Gaslight. In the film, the main character, Gregory (Charles Boyer), deliberately attempts to drive his young wife Paula (Ingrid Bergman) mad to get her admitted to an institution so he can take ownership of Paula's jewelry and assets. Gregory's strategy is to manipulate 'Gaslight" Paula into believing she is losing her mind by secretly moving and removing items from the house and, ultimately, dimming the lights in the house. When Paula notices the changes, Gregory states nothing is different and Paula is making things up. Paula begins to question her experiences and, ultimately, her reality. 

Why Do People Gaslight Others?

Reasons for gaslighting vary. Sometimes, people gaslight to gain power and control in a relationship or over someone. The gaslighter might want to isolate someone from others to make the person dependent on them. In other cases, the gaslighter might deflect blame or protect themselves from something they did themselves. 

How Do We Gaslight Ourselves?

We often think of gaslighting as something inflicted by others, but we can be surprisingly adept at gaslighting ourselves, too. This internal gaslighting usually stems from a negative self-talk loop or a harsh inner critic. It's the voice in your head that tells you you're "overreacting" when you feel hurt, dismisses your accomplishments as "just luck," or minimizes your experiences with phrases like "it wasn't that bad."

Here are some common ways we gaslight ourselves:

Minimizing our feelings: You experience a situation that upsets you, but you brush it off, telling yourself, "I shouldn't be this bothered by it," or "Everyone else would handle this better."

Diminishing our achievements: You land a promotion or complete a challenging task, but instead of celebrating, you downplay it with thoughts like "I just got lucky" or "Anyone could have done this."

Questioning our memories: You clearly remember an event but start to doubt yourself when someone contradicts your recollection. You might think, "Maybe I am misremembering things."

Rationalizing bad behavior: Someone treats you poorly, but you convince yourself they must have had a "good reason," like "they're just stressed" or "I probably did something to deserve it."

How Does Gaslighting Affect Us?

This internal gaslighting can be damaging to our self-esteem and mental well-being by eroding our confidence and making it difficult to trust our perceptions and emotions.

Internal gaslighting leads to anxiety, depression, confusion, and a loss of self-esteem. When people gaslight themselves, they doubt their judgment and often withdraw from loved ones.

Overcoming Gaslighting

If you are experiencing gaslighting, taking steps to protect yourself is essential. Here are some tips:

Trust your gut. If something feels off, pay attention and trust yourself. If something feels off, it probably is.

Document events. If you think you are the victim of gaslighting, keep a journal to record interactions where gaslighting is present. Documenting events helps you see the truth. The written record validates your lived experience, not a spin of what someone tells you happened.

Set boundaries. When someone tries to manipulate or 'gaslight" you, disengage and remove yourself from the situation.  

Seek support. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.

Remember, gaslighting is an actual form of abuse, and there is help available. When someone tells you you are CRAZY, question the person's motives, and PLEASE do not believe them.

Additional Resources

If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, here are some resources that can help:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

MentalHealth.gov: https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health

Understanding gaslighting and taking steps to break free from manipulative relationships will help you reclaim your reality, build a healthier life, and find your way back to inner stability and personal peace.