The Fantasy Partner Always Disappoints
Respect who your partner is and look for the best in them.
Being in love requires work. Love cannot sustain itself. Erich Fromm wrote The Art of Loving, published in 1956, and said, "The art of loving is like any craft. It requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and practice daily."
Valentine's Day is over for the year. Now that the flower bouquets have wilted and the chocolates are all gone let's look at how the fantasy of a perfect relationship gets in the way of developing healthy and mutually satisfying relationships.
Most people spend more time planning their wedding day, which only lasts a few hours than they spend planning their marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime.
It is common for intimate partners to develop fantasies about their "partner" as soon as they meet someone new. These fantasies help people bond together, as each person fantasizes that their new friend might be the perfect partner. People often convince themselves they have met the "perfect person," they finally met their fantasy partner, "the one" they have been looking for and waiting to complete their lives.
However, this fantasy does not last. This illusion often leads to a sense of deep disappointment. People often feel let down by and duped by their partner. They regret starting the relationship, and the quality of their life suffers.
The fantasy starts to unravel when a person's inner voice says, "If (my partner) would only do, say, or be 'x' then our relationship will be great, and we will be happy." When this type of thinking takes root, it can be increasingly difficult to see the other person for who they are. Instead, people begin to see their partner as a disappointing version of who they want them to be in the relationship. Or they see their partner through the skewed perspective of who they wish their partner could or would be if they made a little more effort.
When couples find themselves in this pattern, they will start to withhold their love and affection from each other. The fantasy plays out with one partner thinking, "Why should I bother contributing to this relationship if (my partner) is not going to give me what I deserve, or what I have envisioned I would have in this relationship?"
In life, it is easy to point fingers and place blame for our disappointments in our lives on to other people. However, when we do this, we must realize we have three more fingers pointing back at ourselves. It is easier to blame others for our unhappiness than to accept responsibility for our shortcomings. If there is a quality, you wish you could change in your partner, first look and see if it is a quality you might more easily change in yourself. If this is the case, first work on changing and improving yourself.
Being aware of each other, kind, and respectful to each other goes a long way to developing sweet relationships with our intimate partners, family members, and friends.
Valentine's Day is a socially mandated date day. However, if the "Lover's Day" sentiment were to be carried out and applied to every Day, more people would celebrate their partners in ways that feel more meaningful and authentic. Rather than being upset by the qualities you think your partner is lacking, focus on their positive qualities, and let them know what you appreciate about them. Love is not a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers. It is not a right that we are entitled to, that we deserve. Love is an achievement. Loving our partner means respecting who they are at their core. When people commit to respecting their partner every Day, their relationships and lives become sweeter and more satisfying. Today, commit to loving yourself, to being kind and gracious to yourself, then share these gifts with others. Create the life you want to live, and envision the love story you want to have. You are more likely to have this come true if you start by loving yourself. My wish for everyone is to achieve what Valentine's Day is about – living your best life, with relationships built on mutual love and respect for each other.
--- Dr. Amy Vail, is a Clinical Psychologist with offices in Olympic Valley and Truckee, California. She works adults, adolescents, children, and couples and families. She strives to help people understand themselves better and find healthier and more satisfying ways to live their lives.
